About You and Me

Horace HB Sanders — About You and Me

So, I’m five minutes late for my own divorce. I’m rushing from the parking structure to the courthouse. And all I keep hearing in my head is, ​“I know you’re going to be late, Horace. I know you’re going to be late. You’re always late.” That’s my wife. ​“I know you’re going to be late.” And I’m like, ​“Ooh, I’m not going to be late, but unfortunately, I don’t have any time travel capabilities.” [audience laughter] [audience chuckles] So, I rush through security, I get on the elevator, I go past four other floors, I get to mine, I jump off, and no one’s there. I look to my left, there are a couple benches, three doors, no one. I look to my right, some more benches, three more doors, no one. 

See there, I’m worried about being late, she’s not even here. Matter of fact, no one is here. There were tons of people in the lobby and people on the other floors, but I’m the first one here. Have time, I sit down, I adjust my tie, fix my shirt. Now, I can go over in my head what I want to say to the judge, because it’s only going to be me. Me, my wife, and the judge. Neither of us have attorneys. And I don’t want this divorce. This is her idea. 

Now, granted, I have given her a reason to want a divorce, but that’s not the point. [audience laughter] I mean, my parents have been married at this point for 36 years. They have a great marriage. I know a marriage can work. I mean, I’m going to tell the judge this. I’m going to tell him, ​“Hey, just give us some counseling. I love her, she loves me, we can work this out.” So, I’ve gone over this a few times in my head, and I’m noticing time is going by. 

Now, at this point, it’s almost 30 minutes, and I’m getting bothered, Like, ​“Wait a minute. Did the court tell me to get here early so they can just wait all day?” And finally, a door opens. I’m like, ​“Yeah, finally.” And I see my wife walk through the door. Well, at least she was before she came through the door. ​“Hey, what are you doing in there? Where you coming from?” ​“It’s over, Horace.” ​“What do you mean it’s over?” ​“Look at you. I knew you wouldn’t be here. Look at you. You didn’t even make it to our divorce.” ​“What do you mean, divorce? What do you mean it’s over?” ​“It’s over.” I’m like, ​“No, it can’t be over. I’ve been sitting out here for 20 minutes.” 

My wife is so smart. I mean, I’m smart, too. But she has an uncanny knack of asking me questions that I somehow forgot to ask myself. ​“So, you’ve been out here for 20 minutes? Why didn’t you come inside?” Why didn’t I come inside? I don’t have a good answer. I was just – ” ​“It’s over.” She hands me the papers, and that’s when it hits me. I just lost my wife. I mean, I just lost my wife. My marriage is over, and I literally sat there, and did nothing. 

Now, this might not seem like a big deal to you, because people get married and divorced every day. Sometimes they even do it in the same day. [audience chuckles] But for you to understand the magnitude of this divorce, you got to understand my wife and me. I still remember the exact second when I first met her. I’m a comedian. I got booked as a new comic at this brand-new comedy club. At the same time, my wife had just gotten hired. She wasn’t my wife at the time, as the new bartender. 

Now, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship two years ago, and my friends told me, ​“Man, you got to see this new bartender at the comedy club.” I’m like, ​“Look, later for that. I’m trying to focus on my career, focus on my two daughters, Kame, who’s seven, Kamaria, who’s three, and focus on my relationship with God. That’s enough. Plus, I don’t even drink. Never have. What would I look like being with a bartender?” 

So, I come in the club, I walk down the hallway, I bend that corner around the left, and I see LaFawn behind the bar. She is amazing. So, I’m walking towards her, I’m like, ​“Come on, think of something to say. You’re a comedian. Think of something funny. Make her laugh. They like that.” [audience chuckles] So, I walk up. I’m like, ​“Excuse me, could I get a Coke on the rocks?” She laughs. [audience chuckles] I’m like, ​“Yeah, I got her.” And she is amazing. She has this beautiful long hair. She has these black stirrup pants on with these black boots that are seamless. You can’t tell where the boots end and the pants begin. She’s like some cute little superhero. [audience chuckles] 

So, I’m talking to her and it’s my turn to get on stage, but I’m about to go up there and really kill it now. And not because I need to get paid and not because I want to be funny, it’s because I got to impress this new girl I just met. So, I’m up there and I think the best thing to do is talk about her. I was like, ​“Yeah, I asked the bartender for something to drink. She gave me this little bitty cup. I said I wanted Coke, not Nyquil.” Oh, the crowd is loving it. I look over and see her laughing, too. I’m like, ​“Yeah. Reeling her in.” [audience chuckles] All I’m thinking at this point is when I get off stage, this can’t be the end of this night. I got to talk to her after this. 

So, I get to the bar and I see her going to peer through the curtains. I’m like, ​“What’s wrong? Is there a problem?” She’s like, ​“My ride is not here. It’s supposed to be here.” Here’s my opportunity. ​“Hey, you need a ride? I’ll be glad to take you home.” What I didn’t realize until later was that she called her ride when I was on stage and said, ​“Hey, girl, I’m good. I don’t need a ride tonight.” [audience laughter] See, I told you she was smart. 

So, we get in the car, we’re riding home. She tells me that she has a daughter, Noelle, who’s almost two. I’m like, ​“I got two girls, Kami and Kamaria. Look at that. We got a whole full backseat already.” [audience chuckles] Now, it’s time to talk about the most important things. ​“Hey, what’s your favorite movie?” She’s like, ​“You know what movie I love, I saw, I love it? I can’t stop quoting it.” I’m like, ​“What?” ​“Austin Powers Two: The Spy Who Shagged Me” [audience laughter] I’m like, ​“What? That’s my favorite movie, too.” This has to be God. He put us together. 

Matter of fact, we’re talking about it so much, we’re like, ​“We got to see it. But it’s not at the movie theaters now.” So, I’m like, ​“Hey, let’s go rent it. Let’s go to Blockbuster.” So, we stopped by her sister’s first to pick up a VCR. That’s how long ago this was. [audience chuckles] I mean, Blockbuster is still open. [audience laughter] So, we go in there. I don’t have a membership, but I do happen to have all the money from my last three weeks on the road working. So, I discreetly but nonchalantly pull out this big knot of money. ​“Oh, yeah, how much is it to pay for that movie?” She’s like, ​“Ooh, he’s a baller.” [chuckles] 

So, I buy the movie, we go back to her house, we watch the movie. It’s watching us. We start kissing like we’re in high school. Man, it’s amazing. We spend the night together. And that morning I leave. It’s like, she’ll never be out of my life. From that day forward, we’ve been in each other’s lives. 

Now, fast forward a couple years of dating, I asked her to marry me. We’re so excited. We’re planning for a December wedding, but we get kind of anxious. Neither one of us wants to wait. So, we go to a justice of the peace down in Ohio, get married by a judge on the courthouse steps. So, now, we’re married. But now, instead of a December wedding, we’re planning a December birth, our first child together. Another girl, Trinity. She’s born on Christmas, which is my birthday. Come on. How cool is this? [audience laughter] 

So, the next year, I have the biggest opportunity in my career. I’m on television, I’m traveling, things are going better. And within a year, we have another daughter, Micah. Five girls. My wife is an amazing mother. You know what? My dad actually says that my wife is the best mother in the world. Now, I don’t know how he says this when my mom is sitting right next to him. [audience laughter] But I get his point. She is truly amazing. She makes all of their birthdays a unique event. Other people even try and hire her to plan their kids’ birthdays. 

Then a year later, we have another baby, Hailan. Now, we got six girls. We need two backseats now. We’re going along. We’re being good parents, but we’re not sharing like we used to. I’m spending more time with my career. That’s why I’m successful. She’s spending more time on the kids. That’s where she’s successful. But now, we’re not quoting movie lines to each other. Now, we’re starting to quote arguments and things we said wrong to each other. 

Then we have our first son who comes prematurely, Xavier. He’s only two pounds. This is a real traumatic time for us. A lot to go through. And somehow, it doesn’t push us closer, it pushes us further apart. But not so far, because a year later, we have another child, Isaiah. [audience chuckles] And he’s born on Xavier’s birthday. Another cool thing. But this coolness is not enough to keep us together. So, we end up back where this story started, at the divorce. 

Now, I’m going to be a good dad. I am. She’s a good mom. So, we’re going to be in each other’s lives. I’m not going to go too far. Matter of fact, even though we’re divorced, we end up having another child a couple years later, little Ashton. [audience laughter] So, now, I’m dating other people, she’s starting to date, but I’m still missing my wife. And I tell her even ​“You know what? We’re going to end up back together.” And she likes to say, ​“No, Horace, I’m going to marry somebody new.” 

So, then one day, it’s the day before Mother’s Day, and I said, ​“You know what? I know you plan on going to watch that big boxing fight tonight,” because we both are big boxing fans. I was like, ​“Instead of that, why don’t you come hang with me? Let’s hang together.” She’s like, ​“No, I got plans.” I’m like, ​“Come on, let’s hang together and talk.” She’s adamant she’s not coming, so she goes on her merry way. 

Now, I could have went out to watch the fight myself. Could have hung out with my boys or went and found a girl to hang with, but I decided to go back to her house. I went up to her room and had a talk with the Lord. I prayed, pulled out my Bible. I was honest with myself, which I wasn’t always doing, because I always knew there was something more in me, but I didn’t know what I was waiting on. I think I was waiting on that moment. I told God what I was willing to do and what I wasn’t willing to do. I asked Him for what I really wanted. I said, ​“God, if it’s supposed to be that, then let it happen.” 

She came home that morning. Now, I know fights don’t last all night, so I know she just wasn’t at a fight party, but that wasn’t the most important thing. I sat her down and said, ​“Look, we can fix this. We can fix our relationship and be together and have an amazing life, and you need to tell me and be committed. And if you can’t do that, then I need to leave. Not just this house, I’m leaving the state. I’m moving. I’m going to pursue my career. I’ll take care of the kids, but there’s no way I can stay here in this city and watch you be with someone else when I know you’re the woman I love.” 

You know what she said? She believed me. She said, ​“Horace, you’ve said something like that before, but I really believe you now.” I think it’s because I believed myself. We were in love on Mother’s Day. About two weeks later, I asked her to marry me again. She said yes. Now, this is how I really knew things were going well. One morning, she was taking the kids to school. When she went out the back door, the door almost fell off the hinges. Now, normally, this would have been an occurrence where she hollered at me, ​“Horace, you need to fix this door. What’s wrong with it?” But instead, she said, ​“Hey, baby, be careful coming out the door, because it’s off the hinges.” And normally, I might have still been sleeping because I’m like, ​“I picked the kids up in the afternoon, you take them in the morning.” But I was up and dressed. 

Now, before she could get our kids to school and come back with her morning coffee, I had been to Home Depot. I got wood, nails, screws, hammers, saws. When she came in the house, I was putting on a new door. She gently stepped past me, ​“Excuse me.” I saw her go into the dining room and get on her phone. She’s like, ​“Girl, you ain’t going to believe this. [audience laughter] Yeah, I know remember I told you the door was broke? He is building me a new door. Not just the door, the frame and everything. Girl, he got a handsaw.” I was like, ​“Yeah, I got her again.” [audience laughter] 

So, we did more that summer than we did in the last five years. We traveled everywhere. I worked with her at her job. She created her own face painting company. I’m a comedian, I’m painting faces, but I’m in love. She’s coming to my shows with me. It’s amazing. We decided to plan this wedding in November, but again, we can’t wait. So, she’s like, ​“Hey, I know, let’s do 9, 10, 11.” ​“I like the date, but all the venues are booked up.” She’s like, ​“Man.” So, jokingly, I tell her in front of my brothers and sisters, ​“Hey, why don’t you go all the way 9, 10, 11, 12.” She’s smart. She’s like, ​“Yeah, that’ll work.” I’m like, ​“What do you mean?” She’s like, ​“Because the venues are available on 9, 9, 11.” So, she gets a beautiful place. We rent it. We decide to have our reception first. 

So, from 8 o’ clock to 11:59, we have a great reception. And then, at the stroke of midnight, our pastor marries us on 9, 10, 11, 12. It was amazing. I remember the week before the wedding, she came to me real quietly and said, ​“Baby, I got to ask you something. I know you love me and you know we got nine children. [audience laughter] How much of this getting back together is about us and how much is about the kids?” I said, ​“Look, forget them kids, [audience laughter] because if we do this right, one day they’re going to grow up, they’re going to find spouses of their own and get married and start their own families. It’ll still be you and I. This is about you and me.” 

I think to something my dad likes to say. Him and my mom have been married for 50 years. He always told me, ​“Horace, me and your mom are related to you, but we’re not related to each other. The only thing that keeps us together, is that we choose to love one another.” And the Bible says, ​“He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” I found my wife, and I lost her. But I found her again, and I’ll never lose her again.