American Shoes and Jesus

You probably can guess by my weird accent that I spent some time of my life outside of the United States. [audience laughter] When I moved here in my 40s, my intention was to fit in whatever it costs. And I was asking my friends, do I need to develop different communication skills or maybe I need to develop a different dream? And one of my friends said, ​“You need different shoes. [audience laughter] Nobody’s wearing pointed toe shoes in town.” [audience laughter] And I went to DSW shoe store, [audience laughter] and I found myself nice rounded toe, American shoes. [audience laughter] 

While I was trying my shoes, I saw this man. He was a little bit older, looking over his shoulders. We made an eye contact. He approached me and he said, ​“I have a message.” [audience laughter] I said, ​“Okay. [audience laughter] What is it?” [audience laughter] He said, ​“Jesus is coming.” [audience laughter] I said, ​“That’s good news.” [audience laughter] I said, ​“But how do you know?” He said, ​“He told me Himself.” [audience laughter] I said, ​“Thank you very much for letting me know. I’ll be looking forward to it.” [audience laughter] And he went away. 

So, I’m a Muslim from Russia. [audience laughter] And where I’m from, I never met people who communicated with Jesus directly. [audience laughter] And those people always fascinated me. Here I met another man earlier, a homeless guy, who was with a portable stereo and listening to a song, ​“Are you ready for Jesus? Are you ready for the day of your Lord?” And I asked him, ​“What’s the music?” But instead of telling me about the music right away, he told me the story of his life. He said, ​“Several years ago, I was so depressed that I wanted to kill people. And then, I prayed to Jesus and He spoke to me and He told me, ​‘Instead of killing people, go and collect all Bob Dylan’s songs.’” [audience laughter] So, this is a Bob Dylan song. [audience laughter] 

I thought that’s a great advice actually. [audience laughter] So, while I was thinking about it, this man came back. I’m still at DSW. [audience laughter] We kind of knew each other already, so he approached me again and he said, ​“I didn’t deliver the whole message.” I said, ​“Okay, what’s the rest of it?” He said, ​“Since Jesus is coming, you want to get rid of everything named after devil and hell.” I said, ​“Actually, I have this vacuum cleaner called Dirt Devil.” [audience laughter] He said, ​“I was sent to you on purpose.” [audience laughter] 

I liked him and I decided to confess, and I said, ​“Actually, I’m a Muslim.” I never could understand why Americans name things after devil or hell, like hell burgers or hell of a cheese or devil’s eggs. [audience laughter] I said, ​“Muslims would never do that.” And that’s when he amazed me. He said, ​“That’s because Muslims are better believers.” And he left me speechless and he walked away. I thought how this can even be this man who thinks he speaks to Jesus, he’s so tolerant that he could say that just to make me feel good. 

While I was leaving DSW with my new rounded toe American shoes, [audience laughter] I knew two things, for sure. One, I knew that I was going to fit in here among these wonderful and tolerant people. And two, I was going to get rid of my vacuum cleaner. [audience laughter]