Babe

So, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience was in the fall of 2004 when I was in third grade. Every year, the third graders, it was a tradition, would put on a play and it was somewhat of a rite of passage to do the third-grade play. So, we were all very excited for it. I, in particular, was excited for it, because I knew I was going to get the lead, because I was one of the only kids that did not have braces. [audience laughter] 

So, I saw this as an opportunity to achieve celebrity status and get the lead. I thought I would get recognition and attention, which was something I really wanted, especially from the new kid who had just moved to our school from South Africa. His name was Dijon, and I was smitten. [audience laughter] 

So, Ms. Billingsley, our third-grade teacher, decided that our play would be Paul Bunyan the Musical. [audience laughter] She also decided that instead of casting it herself or holding auditions, she would let us cast it by volunteering to play a part that she would briefly describe. So, we did this prior to reading It. So, we almost cast it blindly. When she described the role of Babe, [audience laughter] as having a lot of lines and a certain solo, my tiny brain thought, that’s it. That is the lead. It sounds cute. I volunteered, and I got the part and I was so excited until I read the play. [audience laughter] 

What my teacher had failed to mention was the full name of Babe was Babe the Blue Ox. [audience laughter] My solo was glamorously titled I Need Pancakes, [audience laughter] a song in which I lamented for three minutes about not being able to eat my daily serving of two tons of pancakes. [audience laughter] What made matters worse was, was that I was the tallest kid in the third grade. I was five feet tall, so I did not want to be associated with this large character and draw attention to myself in that way. So, I went to my teacher and I begged her to let me resign from the role of Babe the Blue Ox. [audience laughter] 

And she would not let me. She said, ​“You know, that’s not fair to the other kids who already have their roles and they already like their roles, and maybe they don’t want to switch.” And so, I decided, well, fine, I’ll just sabotage myself. [audience laughter] So, at every rehearsal, I would skulk around and be super mopey. But unfortunately, for me, my character was in a hostage situation. Babe the Blue Ox was Paul Bunyan’s pet ox. Very unconventional pet. [audience laughter] But Babe the Blue Ox was kidnapped by the villains to upset Paul Bunyan. 

So, the whole I don’t want to be here attitude was exactly [audience laughter] what the character was supposed to be. [audience laughter] So, I thought I was going to be so bad I would be forcibly removed. But instead, I was praised for my acting talent. [audience laughter] So, I just accepted my fate. I’m going to be the laughing stock of the school and the butt of every joke for all of eternity. I did the performance, and everyone loved it, and I loved it and Dijon loved it. [audience laughter] 

People would come up to me and ask me to do my song, and I would have to pretend like I hated the attention, ​“Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly. I Need Pancakes.” [audience laughter] And so, it worked out well for me. I was happy. I found something that I love to do. I was confident, I was popular, I had a boyfriend, and all I needed to do was put on a blue fat suit and sing and dance to a song about pancakes. Thank you.