Cannot Tell A Lie

Mel Dockery — Cannot Tell A Lie

In 1997, I decided to become an American citizen after 30 years, 33 years, actually, in this country. And the reason that I did it, I thought, was for a really basic and intrinsic American value, financial greed. [audience laughter] Now, there are a lot of rules that you had to comply with obviously, if you’re going to become a citizen, fingerprinting, eligibility, who you’re married to, endless things. Have you ever been arrested for a serious crime? And I managed to crawl through all of those. And the final two things that I had to pass were the civics test and the interview to see if I was an eligible puddled mass to come into America. [audience laughter] 

So, I have to explain about the civics test in those days. I think they have lessened the number of questions now. There were a possible 300 questions that you had to be able to answer, and they were going to ask you 10 of them. So, I was a little disappointed at the interview when he said, ​“Who is the current American president?” ​“Clinton.” ​“What color is the flag?” ​“Red, white and blue.” ​“Name two states other than New York and New Jersey.” [audience laughter] I picked Oklahoma and Arkansas, trying to make it a little bit harder. [audience laughter] And then he said, ​“Who discovered America?”

Now I know that another intrinsic value of America, because it was the founding Father that said it is thou shalt not tell a lie. So here I was, stuck. Who discovered America? I wanted to say, ​“Well, the first person that stood erect out of the primordial slime, I suppose,” but I thought that wouldn’t be a good way of phrasing it. So, I said, ​“The first people who were here,” [audience laughter] I could tell he didn’t like it. And I said, ​“Well, I know, I know you want me to say Christopher Columbus, but that is politically incorrect.” [audience laughter] Somehow, I managed to drag myself through the civic stage and we came to the interview and it started off really well. We had some pleasant conversation and I thought, I think this guy likes me. And then he said, ​“Will you be prepared to bear arms for the United States of America?” And I said, ​“Well, again, can’t tell a lie. I couldn’t kill anyone.” And he said, ​“Why not?” [audience laughter] To be an American citizen, I have to say I’m going to kill somebody. But anyway, I said, ​“I don’t know, I just couldn’t.” And he thought a bit, and I thought a bit and he said, ​“Do you belong to a religious organization that forbids killing?” And I said, ​“No.” [audience laughter] 

Then he leant across his desk and sotto voce, he said, ​“How old are you?” And even softer, I said, ​“55.” So, he leant back and then he leant forward again, and even softer, he said, ​“It’s highly unlikely [audience laughter] that you’ll have to fight.” [audience laughter] Hey, presto, ​“I said, fine.” And he put a big check mark, next to bear arms. So just know that if there’s a war that breaks out and I’m carrying a gun or carrying the landmine, that’s all I do. And somehow, miraculously, I became a citizen of the United States of America.

And about a week later, yes, Yay. About a week later, I had to fly up to Boston on the Boston shuttle. And of course, Boston, you have to fly around because you get stuck in traffic. And I look down and I see Boston harbor sparkling in the sunshine, and I start to cry. My harbor, my tea party. [audience laughter] And I realized that I became an American citizen for more than just financial greed. Thank you.