Church Latin

Jim Krenn — Church Latin

I am proud to say that I was born and raised in Pittsburgh. [audience cheers and applause] I love this city. I love this city because of the people of the city. We have the greatest neighborhoods. The people that make up those neighborhoods are just so colorful. It’s interesting. You got Northside, you got Southside, you got the neighborhood that I grew up in that I want to talk about tonight, The Strip district. 

Yes, I’m a little biased that I think, yes, to me, this is the most colorful neighborhood in the city. I think it’s the heart of the city to me is The Strip district. It’s like 12 blocks along the Allegheny River, where all the wholesale goes on. If you want seafood, you go to Woolies. You want toys, you go to Feinberg’s. It’s got everything there. Everything you could imagine.

And growing up there in the 1960s and the 1970s was just fascinating. We had a big family actually. We covered three of those 12 blocks. [audience laughter] We did. My grandmother had eight kids. Great grandma had eight kids. I was an only child, but I had a big family. I had 16 cousins, you name it. It was a huge, huge family. We grew up in those three blocks. 

My grandmother, who was the matriarchal figure of the family. She was a devout Catholic. I mean, heavy duty. You know, rosaries, holy cards, new saints, like other people, new baseball players. [audience laughter] And part of the rite of passage in our family was my mom and my grandma. My grandma wanted every male to be an altar boy. Yeah. Everybody had to be an altar boy. Because I think she secretly thought one of us in the family were going to fulfill her dream to become a priest. She wanted a priest. And she was over 16. [audience laughter] 

I mean, everyone tried, Uncle Johnny, Uncle Ed, Cousin Joey, Uncle Yossel. [audience laughter] I have an Uncle Yossel. He almost made it. He actually had papers for seminary school, but he didn’t do it. So, at nine years old, it was my turn to be an altar boy. I was like her last hope. This was big for her. So, I’ll never forget the day– Now, to become an altar boy, you have to go through a dress rehearsal. I didn’t know this at the time. We lived on 12th, 13th and 14th street, and 14th street was where St. Patrick’s Chapel was, and that’s where I was going to have my first mass. The entire family was going to be there and the entire neighborhood. So, I was excited. 

So, you have to have a little dress rehearsal before you become an altar boy, because there’s things to do. So, I’ll never forget that day that my grandmother and my mom brought me into church for my rehearsal to be an altar boy, nine years old. Very shy, by the way, painfully shy, so shy. Other kids wanted to be like a policeman or a firemen. I wanted to be a mime. [audience laughter] We played hide and seek. Hide was my thing. I love that. [audience laughter] Painfully shy. So, being out in front of people is going to be unbelievable for me. As an alter boy, nine years old, this is traumatic. 

So, there we go. We walked into St. Patrick’s. I remember standing, I’m in the back of the church and I walk in, there’s my mom, there’s grandma, and on the altar waiting for me is our priest there. There’s father Galvin. Nice guy. To describe him, he was about five feet tall. He looked like Andy Warhol, but like a chubbier version, like the wire room glasses, Andy Warhol hair, all that kind of thing. Not intimidating, because he was only five feet. I was what, three and a half? So not too bad.

There’re nun to his right, to my left, Sister Mary Charles Bronson. [audience laughter] Not her name. It’s really Sister Nunziata, but we called her Sister Mary Charles Bronson for years. She looked just like Charles Bronson. I swear to God. I mean, I’m talking like little mustache. [audience laughter] I mean, her Bronson face, you know that. [audience laughter] I’m Mr. Majestic Charles Bronson, Death Wish Charles Bronson, you know?

Eddie Rue was the church manager. There he was, about four feet tall, crew cut, piercing blue eyes. My best buddy at the time and still one of my best buddies today. All-star altar boy and my partner, Kenny Oldinsky. That’s right. Altar boys, you go in pairs. You have buddies. It’s like Starsky and Hutch or something, it’s a pair. Kenny was my partner. I was kind of relieved, because I knew Kenny was a legend in the neighborhood already at 10, he’s a year older than I, but he was an all-star. He had 100 masses under his belt, [audience laughter] 28 novenas, 14 funerals at 10. He used to brag about it, too. 

He told me, too, ​“Jim, if you do a good job, Father will give you a quarter after mass.” So, I’m excited about this. Even though I’m nervous, I’m afraid. I’m like, ​“You know, pay for prey, I’m in a quarter.” Because in 1969, they gave you a lot of candy at Kramer’s, like Milk Duds and Jujubes, a whole box each. So, I don’t want to screw it up. There’s a quarter involved here. Okay.

So, they’re going through their introductions, everything. They’re going through a whole thing of the mass. There’s a lot of stuff going on, but I’m following. It’s like, ​“Okay, Jim, here, you’ll ring the bell.” I could do the bell. Any idiot can do the bell. I’m nine. I could do that. You’ll light the candles before the mass and the wine and water. I’m going through the whole thing. I’m okay until Sister Nunziata hands me a booklet. And in this booklet was a prayer that– [chuckles] 

For older Catholics, you’ll know this. In 1969, there was actually a prayer that the altar boy had to speak with the priest in the middle of the mass. You had to go back and forth with this prayer. Priest would say his part, altar boy says his part right in the middle of the mass. I’m nine. Here’s the weird part. As I’m looking through the prayer, right hand of God, the prayer was in Latin. I’m nine, I can barely speak English. [audience laughter] This is Latin. 

I remember, I’m like ​“How am I going to do this prayer?” Sister said, ​“You can’t do it off the book. You have to memorize the prayer, Jim.” I like two days to memorize this Latin prayer at nine. I’m like freaking out the whole time, like, ​“How am I going to get my quarter? How am I going to do this?” My life’s flashing before my eyes and my whole nine years. 

So, as everyone’s leaving, and Kenny, the all-star altar boy walks up to me and he says this, this is Kenny. This is a dead-on impression of Kenny for a few of you out there that know Kenny Oldinsky who’s still one of my best buddies today. At 10, and he sounds like this now in his 50s. He walked up to me and said, ​“Hey, Jimmy, [audience laughter] I’ll do the prayer, you do the bell, you do the candles. I got the prayer. I got you.” [audience laughter] I’m like, ​“Oh, thank you, Kenny. Thank you. Oh, this is awesome. I’m going to get my quarter. Grandma’s going to think I’m going to become a priest. Everything’s going to be happy. This is great.”

So, now Kenny’s going to do prayers again. It’s Sunday. Two days to go by. It’s time for the mass. Grandma lived on 14th street right next to the church, so I was able to walk over even at nine years old. It’s a nice, safe neighborhood. I walk over to the church and everyone’s going to come over. I’m going to get ready. So, I made it like 09:30, a little early first mass, you know, got to loosen up. [audience laughter] Get on my little junior altar boy, all the priest clothes there, the little vestments they put on. So, I’m getting the altar boy stuff on, little junior priest thing there and ready to go. 

And then, Sister Nunziata walks in. I’m thinking she’s going to wish me luck or something. She looks at me and goes, ​“Hey, Jim, how are you?” ​“Hey, Sister, how you doing?” I’ll never forget this. She looked at me and said, ​“Jim, you heard the news, right?” I go, ​“What?” She goes, ​“Ken’s sick.” [audience laughter] My same reaction. Air escaped, ​“Oh, no. Ken’s sick.” Right after that, she says, ​“You know the prayer, right?” Of course, [chuckles] I looked at her and go, ​“Oh, yeah, [audience laughter] I know the prayer.” I lied to a nun. [audience laughter] My first mass. I thought I got confession. I’ll learn that in two years. I’ll cash that chip in. [audience laughter] I’ll cleanse my soul. I got time. 

I don’t know the prayer. I don’t know what to do. I look out, everybody’s there. And the first three rows are my family. I’m telling, my grandma is in the front, mom’s there, dad, Uncle Ed, Uncle Yossel, everybody. They’re there. I don’t know the prayer. So, I could do everything but that prayer. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how I’m going to get there. I have no idea what I’m going to do. So, I go over to the father, and I’m ready to start the mass. And Father Galvin goes, ​“Jim, you know the prayer, right?” I said, ​“Yes, Father.” I lied twice. Now, to a priest in and on my first mass. Two lies. I don’t know the prayer and I don’t know what to do, but I figure, I’ll just wait. [audience laughter] I’ll do something. [audience laughter] 

This is exactly what happened that morning. We rang the bell, we walked out. I’m out in front of all my family, beaming, grandma is smiling, going, ​“There’s my priest.” I’m kneeling there. Father is there. Now, the mass is about 45 minutes long, okay? But the prayer is about 20 minutes, 25 minutes in, okay? And that went by two minutes, because I don’t know the prayer. [chuckles] The whole time I’m sweating profusely. I’ll never forget, I’m kneeling there and it’s time. Father starts his side of the prayer as I’m kneeling there, his side goes like this, as he has the book in front of him, the Bible’s in front of him. I’m just watching a quarter float away. His hands went up. That’s exactly how he sounded. [gibberish] [audience laughter] My same reaction. I’m like, ​“He’s good.” [audience laughter]

I swear to God, I did this. I know Father Galvin’s up in heaven laughing, because at nine years old, kneeling there, sweating profusely in front of my grandmother, in front of everyone in the church, ladies and gentlemen, I decided to make up my own language. [audience laughter] I looked out at everyone, I looked up at Father, and it went like this. [gibberish] [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

I’ll never forget the look on his little face. [audience laughter] He was stunned. He looked like one of those cowboys in the movies when they’re at the campfire and the arrow gets him in the back. [audience laughter] I’m just kneeling there, can’t believe it, I’m still here. And his little hand starts to shake, [audience laughter] and he’s looking at the book as he’s looking at my part. He’s looking at his part, he’s looking at the people, then he’s looking at me and I realized he thinks he screwed up. [audience laughter] 

He continues, but not as confident. He actually went on with [gibberish] looking at me. I got more confident. [gibberish] [audience laughter] We continue, and we end with a nice amen at the end. We went back and forth for four or five times. We just kept doing it, and we ended with a nice, ​“Amen.” ​“Amen.” We did it. [sighs] It was so amazing. Grandma’s beaming, and everybody’s happy and everything’s good, and a mass ends, and believe me, that mass, I went in peace. I was so happy. 

I went to the back of the sacristy, and I was taking off my junior priest clothes, and I’m so happy. Eddie Rue, our church manager, walks up and says, ​“Jim.” I say ​“Yeah?” ​“Father and Sister want to see you.” [audience laughter] I’m like, ​“Oh no.” I’m thinking they’re going to go like, ​“Yeah, there’s two tickets to Madrid. We need you to go. Your first exorcism starts at 02:00, Jim. You lied twice. We know it.” I didn’t know what to do. I’m like, ​“Oh, here we go again. He’s caught me. I know, I know. But at least I got through the mass.” 

I walked up to him and I said, ​“Hi, Father. Hi, Sister. I know you want to see me.” I’ll never forget Father smiled ear to ear, and he says, ​“Jim?” I say ​“Yes.” He goes, ​“Great job.” He reached in his pocket and he gave me a quarter. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

I went to Kramer’s market and I got my Jujubes and I got my Milk Duds. They were the sweetest I’ve ever had until this day. And until this day, you know what I realized back then at that moment, that was the first time that I became one of those Pittsburgh characters that I was talking about. I became a character, and I get the honor of being a character every morning on the radio. I really love it. You know, every once in a while, I still make up my own language, as you know. [audience laughter]