Cops Don't Cry

Steve Osborne — Cops Don’t Cry

How you doing? [audience laughter] My name is Steve Osborne. I was a New York City cop for 20 years. It’s 6 o’clock in the morning, and I’m just getting home from work. I’m late again, as usual. The night before, we caught a shooting. Two drug dealers get into a beef, one guy pulls out a gun. Boom, boom, boom. Shoots the other guy in the face. We catch it. I end up running with it all night long and I wind up doing a double. 

I walk in the door, and my wife’s waiting for me. She’s got that look on her face, and she says to me, ​“We got to talk.” I hate it when she says, ​“We got to talk.” This is never good news for me. This means bad things are coming. And she says to me, ​“I can’t take this anymore. I’m tired of being alone at night. I’m tired of sleeping alone. I just can’t take it. It’s getting to be too much.”

So, what do I do? I counter with my usual, a couple of hugs and kisses. ​“I love you too. I miss you too. I don’t like having to work so much. It’s my job.” But this time, she ain’t hearing any of it. She looks at me and she’s real serious, she says to me, ​“I want a dog.” [audience laughter] So, as soon as I hear the word ​“dog,” I’m like, ​“Man, that was close.” [audience laughter] This could have been really bad. I wouldn’t have been the first cop to get divorced, because I was married to the job. As soon as I hear that word ​“dog,” I’m like, ​“Yeah, I want a dog too.” And right away, I start thinking, I’m going to take him to the park, we’re going to play ball, we’re going to throw the Frisbee around, we’re going to wrestle with the stick. 

I like going on hikes out in the woods. I’m going to get him one of those doggy backpacks, and me and him are going to go for hikes in the mountains. [audience laughter] I’m thinking at night when I’m working, this is good. I’ll have a big dog in the house for protection. So, I says to her, ​“Great idea. What kind of dog you want?” And that’s when she puts her two hands out in front of her about 12 inches apart, and she goes, ​“One like this.” [audience laughter] Now, right away, we got a problem. I want a big dog, she wants a little dog. But there’s no way I could ever say no to my wife. From the first day I met her, she always had me wrapped around her little finger, she could talk me into anything. I think if she wanted a giraffe, I probably would have got her two, if I thought it would make her happy. So, a little dog it would be.

So, she gets this dog. It’s called the Brussels Griffon. I don’t know if you ever heard of it. I never heard of it. [audience chuckles] It’s actually not a Brussels Griffin, it’s a Brussels Griffon. [audience laughter] That’s how you’re supposed to say it. You’re supposed to say Brussels Griffon. And Griffon, I think, is French for very expensive dog. [audience laughter] But on top of that, he was ugly. [audience laughter] He was little, and he had these long legs, and his hair stood straight up in the air. But the funny thing about a dog, and especially as a puppy, you cannot resist a puppy. I don’t care how hardcore you are, nobody can resist a puppy.

It didn’t take long before me and the little guy, we bonded. It was like we were pals, buddies. We were doing everything together. He would be sitting on the sofa with me watching football games. I started taking him on hikes out in the woods. You had to see the little guy scrambling up the trail, climbing over the logs. Or, if he couldn’t climb over, he’d crawl underneath. [audience chuckles] He really was the definition of a big dog in a little dog’s body. I gained a lot of respect for him. [audience laughter] 

One day, I had to go to work. It was my day off, I had to go pick something up, so I figured, let me take him with me. Now, I had told the guys that I got a dog, [audience laughter] but I was intentionally a little vague about exactly what kind. So, we’re walking down the station house block, and there’s a couple of cops out front, and they see me coming. Well, this was the funniest thing they ever saw. They crack up laughing. Now, my wife had wanted to buy him this little yellow raincoat. [audience laughter] I put my foot down on that one. But she did buy him [chuckles] this red ski sweater [audience laughter] with a hood with this pom on top. [audience laughter] Then I’m thinking, ​“Thank God he’s not wearing the sweater.” [audience laughter] 

I’d never hear the end of it. And here he comes, he’s walking in the front door of the precinct, all five pounds of him. He’s strutting in like he owns the joint, and everybody’s cracking up. But I didn’t care. At that point, I really loved the little guy. And all day long, he would follow my wife around. He was a real mama’s boy. But at night, for some reason, when she would put him in bed with us, he would snuggle right next to me. I mean, he would get right next to me. It was like I was his daddy or something. Like, he felt safe there. He would push up against me, and I would back up because I was afraid of rolling over on him. [audience chuckles] He would push and I would back up. And next thing I know, I’m on the floor. [audience laughter] And this happened every night. [audience chuckles]

One day, me and him were out for a walk. We’re about a mile from the house, and he’s walking, he’s right alongside me. Sometimes you don’t even know he’s there. He’s with me stride for stride, when all of a sudden, behind me, I hear this really loud bang. It was like a truck backfiring. Scared the hell out of me. I jumped like two feet in the air. Scared the hell out of Griff. He jumped about two feet in the air, too. But when he jumped, he yanked the leash out of my hand, and he took off running. The only chance I had to catch him was to go for the leash. I dove for it, and I missed. 

We were right by a busy intersection. There was four lanes of traffic going this way and four lanes of traffic going that way, and it was nighttime, and it was rush hour, and you could see everybody was in a hurry to get home. He starts running right for the traffic. I’m frantic. Next thing I know, he’s running right down the middle of the road, right in between all the cars. I take off after him. I know nobody can see him. He’s only this big. But I’m hoping that they’ll see me. I’m running right down the middle of the road, and I’m jumping up and down, and I’m waving my arms, and I’m hoping that people will stop or go around us or just give me a chance to catch him. 

Cars are whizzing right past me. They’re beeping their horns and they’re flashing their high beams. People are yelling at me to get out of the road. I know it sounds crazy, but at that moment, I did not care. I did not care if I got hit by a car, I did not care if I got plowed over by a truck, I did not care if I got killed. I had to save that little dog. I ran after him right down the middle of the road. And next thing I know, I saw this one car was bearing down on him. All I could see was he got sucked under the wheel, and he got shot out the other side. I ran up to him and I just fell to my knees. Cars are whizzing past me, and I didn’t care. I wasn’t moving. I was hovering over him. I was trying to protect him. I didn’t want any more harm to come to him.

I looked down and I could see his little body, it’s broken. He’s just staring straight ahead. [panting heavily] He’s heaving like he can’t breathe. I scooped him up as gently as I could in my arms and I got on the sidewalk. I had to get him to the hospital, but I didn’t have a car. I’m far from my house. Even if I did have a car, I didn’t know where the animal hospital was. At that moment, I never felt so helpless in my whole life. I turned around, and I saw a police car pull into the intersection. 

Now, there’s an unwritten rule among cops. Like, if you ever have a problem, just go get another cop. No matter where you are, no matter what the problem is, another cop will always help you out. So, I start running for him. He’s in the intersection, he’s looking around. Somebody must have flagged him down and told him there was some nut job running in traffic. I ran up to him, and I had Griff cradled in my arm, and I grabbed my shield and I’m yelling at him, I’m like, ​“Yo, brother, I’m on the job. I’m on the job, man. You got to help me. My dog got hit by a car. You got to take me to the hospital.” He took one look at me and he just says, ​“Get in.” 

I jumped into the back of the car, and next thing I know, he pulls a U‑turn. I can hear the tires screeching, red lights are flashing, the siren’s going. He’s on the radio with the dispatcher telling him, ​“Notify the animal hospital. [audience laughter] Have ​‘em standing by. [audience laughter] We’re en route.” We’re flying down the road, and I look down at Griff and I could see him. [pants heavily] He’s heaving. He can’t breathe. I see these frothy red bubbles coming out of his nose and his mouth. I had seen this in people a bunch of times, and I knew his lungs were punctured and I knew he was in bad shape. I looked down at him and I’m like, ​“I’m sorry, buddy. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Come on, man, just hang on. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Don’t you go nowhere on me. Come on, man, just stay with me. Stay with me. Just keep breathing.” 

As I’m saying this, I’m crying. Tears are just pouring down my face and my hand’s shaking and I’m sick to my stomach with grief. All of a sudden, it hits me. I’m like, ​“This isn’t me. This isn’t like me. I’m a cop, man. I’ve seen it all. I’m used to this stuff. I’ve seen people shot, stabbed, beat, bludgeoned, thrown off a roof, hit by cars, trucks, buses, trains. I mean, even an airplane crash. And I never let it get to me. But here I am, I got a dying little puppy in my arms and I’m going to pieces and I’m crying. I’m crying like a little schoolgirl that got dumped on prom night.” All of a sudden, it hit me. I started to feel a little self‑conscious, carrying on like this in front of another cop. It’s not manly. [audience laughter]

But when I looked up at him, I could see him. He’s flying down the road. He’s got one hand on the wheel and he’s wiping his eyes with the other. He’s crying, too. [audience laughter] Now, I know he’s seen his share of bad stuff in the world, but this little puppy’s getting to the both of us. I looked down, and that’s when I saw it. Just this little puff of air just came out of his nose and his mouth, and his chest fell, and it didn’t come back up. And that was it. That was the last breath that he would ever take, cradled in my arms. 

Next thing I know, I feel the car jerk hard to the left. We’re in the parking lot of the animal hospital. The vet’s waiting for us. He’s waving us in. I run in. And as carefully as I could, I laid Griff on that cold stainless-steel table with the big, big surgical light. But it was over. There was nothing anybody could do. Me and a cop walk out of the hospital, and he gives me a ride home. And now, we’re both in the car. I could see the two of us, like we’re putting our game faces back on. We’re both trying to put that crying thing behind us. [audience laughter] 

I walk in the house and the house is empty. My wife’s not home from work yet. I was glad. I didn’t know how the hell I was going to explain this. She loved the little guy. She’s such an animal nut. She sees a dead deer on the side of the road, it ruins her whole day. How was I going to explain this? So, I go upstairs and I go in the bedroom. And I’m a mess. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to go this way or that way. I find myself staring at the closet door. I’m just standing there staring at a closet door. All I could see was those headlights flashing, and the horn honking, and the people yelling at me to get out of the road. I keep seeing Griff get sucked under that wheel.

It just keeps playing over and over and over and over in my head. All of a sudden, rage just built up inside of me. I was furious. I was mad at myself. I was mad at the world. I was mad at God. I’m like, ​“How could this happen? He’s just a little puppy. He didn’t deserve this.” I don’t know whether I wanted to punish myself or I just wanted to hit something, but I hauled off and boom. I headbutted the closet door. I drove my forehead right through the front of the closet door. What a shot. I was stunned. Next thing I know, I’m seeing stars. I could hear that little voice in my head saying, ​“Dude, come on, get a hold of yourself. This is getting crazy.”

I go in the bathroom and I look in the mirror, and I got this huge lump growing out of the middle of my forehead. I look like a friggin unicorn. [audience chuckles] I got blood running down my face. Now, I don’t want my wife to come home, because I’m not looking forward to the drama. But I don’t want to be alone anymore, who knows what the hell I’ll do next. Next thing I hear the front door open and I hear her call out my name. I don’t answer. She calls out Griff. Obviously, he’s not answering. She calls my name again. Again and again. And now, I hear her. She’s starting to get a little suspicious. So, she comes upstairs looking for me. 

She walks into the bedroom and I’m standing there, I got this huge red lump, there’s blood running down my face. I’m a mess. And she freaks out. She just starts yelling like, ​“What happened? What’s going on? Where’s Griff? What happened to you?” I don’t remember exactly what I said, because I had a half a concussion going on at the time. [audience chuckles] But I blurted out something like, ​“Griff got hit by a car.” But with the looks of me, she assumed that I got hit by the car, too. And now, my wife, she’s normally not good in a crisis. Something bad happens, usually I’m the one that is the strong one. But she really rose to the occasion this time, and she took care of me. 

We were sitting on the edge of the bed, and she’s holding an ice pack on my head, and I explained everything. She took it well. She was just glad that I didn’t get hit by the car. But looking back, what I can’t believe is after 20 years of police work, and all the things I saw, all the blood, the guts, the misery, and the stuff that’ll just tear your heart out, the dead bodies, the pieces of dead bodies, and I never, ever let it get to me. 

I had a little girl one time that drowned in a bathtub. I could not let myself feel anything. I would not allow myself to feel anything. I had a job to do. I had to stay professional. As soon as I felt a little bit of emotion build up inside of me, I just stuffed my head with thoughts of paperwork and reports and notifications that had to be made and all the things that had to be done. And that’s how I got through it, and that’s how I was able to deal with it. But this time, I didn’t have any of that. So, I guess cops don’t cry, or at least we won’t allow ourselves to cry. But daddies of little puppies do. Thank you very much.