Dog Off Leash

Arthur Bradford — Dog Off Leash

Okay, so, it’s the evening of the afternoon of my wife and I’s second anniversary, and we had just had a newborn baby and she went to go take the baby to her parents, and we had this plan to go out to dinner that night and have a grown-up celebration. And I went with a friend of mine to go take a walk with my dog down on the waterfront– this is in Brooklyn, and there’s a park that was under construction and you could get in by going through a hole in the fence. And we were standing there looking at the Manhattan skyline, and my friend, Tom, is like, ​“Hey, man, I’ve got a joint. You want to smoke a joint?” And I’m like, ​“You know what? Just had a kid. It’s my second anniversary. [audience chuckle] I’ve kind of outgrown all that.” And so, I say, ​“No, thanks.”

And just as I’m saying that, these two cop cars pull up, and there’s this [audience reaction] siren goes off, and there’s a group of people who have also gone into this closed park. And the cops tell us all to leave. And we crawl out through the hole in the fence, and they’re like, ​“We’re not going to write you tickets, but we do want to see your licenses to check and see if you have any previous warrants.” And so, they do that, and Tom and I are kind of wiping our brows, being like, ​“Good thing we didn’t smoke that joint, right?” And then the cops come back, and they’re like, ​“All of you can go, except for you.” And they point to me, and they’re like, ​“You come to the precinct with us.” And I’m indignant because I’m like, ​“What’s the problem?” And I give Tom my dog, and I’m like, ​“Take this dog home and tell my wife I’ll be back for our anniversary dinner.” [audience laughter] 

And then I go down to the precinct, and I get put in this cell with this fellow Hector, who’s like– he’s kind of spacey and his hair is all matted into one big helmet sort of thing. And I can’t quite get why he’s in there, but it has something to do with falling asleep on a rooftop. And then these two Polish brothers come in and join us. And they had just beaten the shit out of some guy for a drug deal that’s gone bad. And then the cops come to me, and they’re like– this is, like, a couple hours later. They’re like, ​“We figured out why you had a warrant from the Parks and Recreation, and you had a dog off leash.” [audience laughter]

And I did. Actually, this is, like, way years ago, I had this dog off leash. And I had contested it, and then I had moved, and I had forgotten what happened. But apparently, they’d assigned me a court date and I hadn’t shown up, and so, I had a warrant for my arrest. I was like, ​“Oh, okay, well, I’ll just pay the ticket, and I’ll see you fellows later.” And they’re like, ​“No, you have to go down to Central Booking and see the judge.” So, we all get handcuffed together, [audience chuckle] and we’re riding in the car down to Central Booking in Brooklyn, and the Polish brothers are like, ​“You no tell that you are here for dog off leash. You have to say that you’re here for assault. So, you can’t say that you’re in for dog off leash.” And the cop is driving the car turns. He’s like, ​“Yeah, you can’t say that you’re here for dog off leash.” [laughter and applause] And Hector’s asleep at this point. So, we end up at Central Booking.

And it’s, like, nighttime at this point. I’m like, ​“I’m going to miss my dinner– my anniversary dinner.” And so, we get, like– we keep going down and down, and Central Booking in Brooklyn is like this catacomb, and we keep going into these different waiting rooms. And every room has a payphone, but it’s always broken. And on the floor, there’s always this scattering of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, [audience chuckle] and I can’t figure out what’s going on. I keep wanting to finding a payphone because I got to call my wife. And finally, we get put in this big cell with all these other criminals. And there’s a payphone over by the toilet, which is not a pretty sight. It’s just like this open pit. And I go over to the payphone, I pick it up, and it has a dial tone. And they let us keep our wallets.

And so, I, like, get– I actually have a calling card at that point, and I call my wife, and I’m like, ​“Hey, did you get the note from Tom?” And she’s like, ​“Yeah.” I’m like, ​“I don’t think I might make it.” I say that I might make it for dinner– [audience laughter] that’s what I would do a lot of times– [audience chuckle] and she’s like– but I’m not going to make it for dinner, obviously. And she picks up on that, and she’s worried, like, ​“Why are you in jail?” And I’m like, ​“Dog off leash.” [audience laughter] But I don’t– you know, I’m like, ​“Assault. It’s actually assault.” [audience laughter] 

But then, it keeps getting later and later. And I’m trying– I’m– everyone– I’ve told everyone I’m in there for assault, by the way. [audience chuckle] And then there’s– and then it’s, like, I can’t tell– you can’t tell what time it is. And all the guards are in a terrible mood, and they come– I figure out why there’s so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the floor, because they come with this big box of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that the inmates in Rikers have made for us, and they’re in wax paper. And so, I’m like, ​“I don’t want to eat that because I don’t want to have to use the toilet.” [audience chuckle] But then, this guy Paulie is like, ​“Man, take as many of those as you can. You got to take as many of those as you can.”

So, I take some, and I figure out why, because they say the court’s closed and you’re spending the night here. And the reason you keep the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is for a pillow at night. [audience laughter] So now, I’m going to make a long story short. I assumed in the morning I’d be getting out, but I actually spent a second night in the court. And– and finally, me and my friend Paulie, who told me about the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, got taken out to see the judge. And the judge sentences Paulie to three years in Rikers for cocaine possession. And then I get to see the judge, and the judge is like, ​“Dog off leash.” [audience laughter] 

And everybody who’s with me is like, ​“What the fuck? I thought you were in for assault.” [audience laughter] And I feel so bad for Paulie because he’s got to go to Rikers that I give him my calling card because everyone was jealous that I had a calling card. And so, I get out, and my wife won’t let me hug her because I smell like shit. And she won’t let me hold the baby and everything. And I go home, and I did– the truth is, like, I didn’t actually outgrow smoking weed. I still do that. [audience chuckle] But I did get a bill in the mail later for $350 that Paulie had charged on my calling card. [audience laughter] And I did learn from that experience to always pay my bills. So, I paid that bill. Thank you very much.