Dumped

Caitlin Brodnick — Dumped

So, I was dumped by my life coach. [audience laughter] It was two years ago, my entire life, I’ve always wanted to be a part of a makeover. I’ve always wanted to be something completely different. I’m really loud for my family. I’m not good at sports. And I got really emotional in drama class if I didn’t get to be Juliet. I just wasn’t like the most calm, perfect, simple girl that you read about or that’s a leading ingenue in something. And so, one of my friends was telling me that she is now a life coach. And she said that she would give me free life coaching lessons one day a week in a rented-out doctor’s office. And I was like, ​“Oh, my God, this is incredible.” Like, I don’t even understand what this is, but it’s free. [audience laughter] And I’m a babysitter. Let’s it do it. So, I was so excited.

The first day it starts and you have to take away all of the thoughts. Everything that you believe makes you a whole person. Just disperse it, just move it away, just slash it all off because we’re starting from ground one with her book that she brought. And we had little journal entries that we could fill out. And on the back of the cover there were two old yogis that were wrinkly. I think it was a man and a woman. They looked really similar. And they were wearing glasses. [audience chuckle] So, I was like, ​“This is completely legitimate.” They look way smarter than I am. So, we started and right before we had this meeting where we just talked about our feelings. And I got wasted off of red wine with her when we went out to dinner and paid $80 and was like, ​“Yes, this is an investment. You’re going to make me a better person. I’m going to connect her to this smart and cool and fun and like really skinny” [audience laughter] and like, I had all these crazy great ideas.

So, this first meeting, she gave me a charm, a bracelet charm that was $57, because I googled it. And I thought that was really nice of her because that meant that she spent $57 to me, and she was ready to change my life. So, you start reading and book in the beginning, you take away everything, you ignore everything and you look at your feelings. So, in the house of feelings, which I was coloring with crayons, I found that in the house of discipline, I didn’t take it seriously. And the house of commitment was a lot of deep reds and I felt like it was claustrophobic. So, I was like, ​“Oh, my God, Maybe I don’t want to get married. Maybe I want to run away. Maybe I need to be a free person.” And I planned a trip with my family. And then you’re supposed to look back in the point in your life where you were the most happy and the most alive. And it was when I was 13, and I went to Italy with my grandma and 52 senior citizens [audience laughter] and I got a lot of attention because I was young and fun and American, and nobody thought I was smelly or weird or cared about my braces.

So, I was like, that’s it. I’m going to be Italian now. [audience laughter] And, like, I just, you know, the brain goes. My brain just went crazy. And so, I was really easy at that. So, I was really, really excited. And then she tells me that she thinks that I would be an amazing life coach one day, and that she thinks that maybe if she ever gets an acting opportunity or an acting job, I could take over for her so I could be the vice president. So, I was like, perfect. That shows your commitment. It shows that you believe in me, shows that you also are an actress and wants to get out of this. [audience laughter]

And so I, like, really focused on it. So, then she took a weekend vacation and went with her yogis and her life coach mentors to Costa Rica. And I was like, this is the coolest thing, like, she is going to a tropical Island with people that are way smarter than her, her life is going to change, it’s going to be incredible. So, she comes back and I’m texting her saying, I can’t wait to see you, I worked on my homework, we have to have your positive affirmations. My affirmation was that, like, ​“I’m calm, I’m really cool. I’m super, super skinny, and I’m totally okay with myself.” And you had to say that over and over again. And I was like, ​“I am fabulous.” [audience chuckle] So, then she came back and sent me an email and was like, ​“Hey, girly girl, here’s the thing. I was talking with my mentors, and you came up in our conversations, and it’s like, I love you and everything about you, but your life is really overwhelming to me and really stressful, and I can’t handle you. I feel stifled by your life. I can’t take this. Plus, I think you should take more medication.” [audience laughter] 

So, then the text messages followed. ​“Please, please see a therapist. I love you xoxo. You’re so fun. You’re so great. But are you seeing someone?” [audience laughter] And I was shocked. I was leveled. I was just flattened. Because it’s like, who says they can’t? You know, if a coach says to you, ​“You’re really bad at basketball, you should try another intramural sport,” you do it. But if your life coach says to you, ​“Your life sucks,” I was like, ​“I’m not going to kill myself.” So, I was so upset. So, I go to my boyfriend, and I was like, crying, and I was like, and I’m not even worth changing into somebody cooler. And he was like, ​“Well, let’s, like, go over who this person was.” I was like, ​“Okay.” And I was like, ​“Well, you know, she’s a chain smoker. I think she’s anorexic. She lives at home with her mom, and she still keeps her boyfriend’s things in her house, though they haven’t talked in 10 months because she doesn’t want to have the talk to see if they’re broken up yet.” [audience laughter] 

And he just stares at me and he’s like, ​“Maybe you just really wanted to go on a juice fast. Maybe that’s what this was. [chuckles] Maybe you wanted to lose ten pounds.” And it’s true. And the thing is, I felt so upset, but then I thought for this first time, I was telling my family, and I was like, ​“You know, I’m the only person I’ve ever met whose life was too much for a life coach.” I felt really proud at that moment. [cheers and applause] And so, through all of this, I found some way to be calm and happy. Thanks.