Lost & Found

Stacy Staggs — Lost and Found

I started my birth father search about four and a half years ago. It was always an argument with my mother and I, but really what it came down to is I don’t think she knew who it was and didn’t want to admit that to me. So, after about a year and a half of research, I got stuck. So, I hired a genealogist. The genealogist came back with one man based off of my DNA. I made my first phone call. I explained who I think I am to him, and he chuckles. I guess he doesn’t hear this every day and asks for a photo of my mother, which I oblige, and he’s like, ​“I’m sorry, she doesn’t look familiar, but good luck with your search.” 

All right. So, I go back to my research, and now I’m trying to eliminate him and I can’t do it. So, a few months go by, I call him back. I’m like, ​“Hey, it’s me again. You are still my number one victim.” [audience laughter] He laughs. He’s amused. He thinks I’m funny, which he’s not wrong. [audience laughter] He agrees. He agrees to test, and I’m to follow up. A few months go by, no test, and he is no longer communicating with me. All right. My feelings are hurt, lot of tears, but I have to move on-ish. So, a lot of life happens over the next couple of years. My mother dies, I take custody of my then 12-year-old nephew, and I am diagnosed with breast cancer. And as it turns out, it was due to a genetic mutation, which, ironically enough, was traced to my father’s side, okay? So, I’ve not forgotten about him. I would periodically text him, because now he’s maybe daddy. I would periodically text him. I’d be like, ​“Hey there, maybe daddy. [audience laughter] I know you wish I would forget about you, but I haven’t. Since you’re dying to know what I’ve been up to, let me show you.” So, I would give him photos of what I had been doing. Swimming, tubing, anything with water really.

All right. So, moving on, I am in Lexington one day last February. Maybe daddy lives in Lexington and I’m from Lexington. I drive by his house, but I cannot go to the door. I did not want to be rejected again. So, I go home and I had a thought, ​“Maybe daddy has a daughter, and I had breast cancer, and it’s on his side.” So, that’s my in. 

I’ve already stalked her Facebook. I know how to get a hold of her. So, I sent her a message after weighing out the pros and cons, because I’m like, ​“Okay, so she could block me. She could get a restraining order against me.” Am I good with these odds? You bet your sweet ass I am doing it. So, I sent her a long message. I explain who I think I am. I also explain my health and that I felt a moral obligation to tell her about it, and I wait. Within the hour, she responds. She had been waiting on me to contact her. Maybe daddy had told her about me, but he was scared. So, her and I developed a very strong bond. It was an instant connection between her and I, which is odd because I’ve got five friends and she has two. [audience laughter] So, we might crack a little joke, but we’re not going to brighten up a room. [audience laughter]

So, it was an instant connection. I give her older sister advice that she doesn’t take. I get to live vicariously through her hot messiness, because she’s still in her 20s. So, her DNA test results do come back June of last year, and I have found my motherfucker. [audience laughter]

So, now, maybe daddy has been promoted to Padre. Him and I meet for the first time July of last year. I’m now 38. Him and I are pretty much the exact same person. Temperament, personality, the way we talk, the way we think, the way I look. My identity is very much rooted in a man I never even knew. The most healing thing that he told me, is that if he knew I had existed, he would have raised me, which meant a lot to me, because I grew up in the foster care system. So, I had always wondered as a child, if my father knew about me, would he have saved me. And I can tell you he would. Thank you.