Man vs Swan

Majdy Fares — Man vs Swan

[clears throat] My backyard consists of 40 feet of grass, two swans, and a small lake. These swans are both strikingly beautiful and strikingly hostile. They’re not my favorite. I like the mallards and the turtles way more than the swans. My least favorite wild animal on the property are the Airbnb guests. [audience laughter] When we moved to D.C., we rented out the place. Our first bad review was a nightmare come true, ​“A swan hissed at my daughter and we just didn’t feel safe.” Two stars. [audience laughter] After that, our reservation rate plummeted. My chances of becoming a Superhost went down the drain. I’m petty. And my inbox filled up with messages and questions about the swan that I didn’t have answers for. [audience laughter]

So, these swans have been there long before me, but they’ve become a threat to my guests and, more importantly, my income. So, I called the city and received some surprising advice. ​“Coyote urine.” [audience laughter] ​“Excuse me?” ​“You’ll scare him away if you cover your yard with coyote urine.” [audience laughter] ​“How am I supposed to do that? Do I give a coyote a Bud Light and grab and walk backwards? I mean, how do I do this?” [audience laughter] I’m from the suburbs. [audience laughter] [clears throat] Now, I’m online on Amazon reading reviews for coyote urine. [audience laughter] He was like, ​“Make sure you do it before they nest.” 

So, I ordered it online. It shipped in like three days. I’m reading all these reviews and my favorite review, by the way, ​“Bought it to repel skunks. Smells way worse than skunks.” [audience laughter] Yeah. That’s what I’m dealing with. I didn’t even know which one to buy, so I just sorted the results by newest arrivals and purchased the top one. Not to sound bougie or anything, but I only buy the freshest coyote urine. [audience laughter] When the package arrived, the box was wet. [audience aww and laughs] It was leaking. It was damaged in transit. I could smell it from 50 feet away. This poor UPS driver had to drive around with it all day long. [audience laughter] 

Anyways, I didn’t have time to return it because it was nesting season. This had to be done now. The time had come. So, I suited up for battle. Felt like Rambo. [audience laughter] If my neighbors were outside that day, they would have seen me [chuckles] wearing six garbage bags, [audience laughter] spraying urine everywhere, going, ​“You made me this way. You drew first blood.” [audience laughter] Which wasn’t a good idea because the wind from the lake kept blowing it right back into my face. [audience laughter] I couldn’t wipe it off, so I had to just let it sit there on my face like pee-pee tears. [audience laughter] 

I called the city again. ​“Yeah, your plan didn’t work. The swan is still here, and I have coyote urine on my tonsils. [audience laughter] Help me.” They said, ​“You have the right to shoot the swan.” That’s tempting, but I’m not going to shoot a swan over an Airbnb review. They said, ​“Swans are considered an invasive species by law.” But the swan was here before me, I feel like I’m the invasive species. They said, ​“Swans can be aggressive and hostile when it comes to their territory.” I said, ​“That’s because I’m trying to displace them from their land. I’m trying to remove them from their land.”

And he said, ​“But technically the land is yours.” I don’t have time to turn this into a Palestine – Israeli conflict right now. [audience laughter] I hung up. ​“You give bad advice.” I changed my intentions. Rather than finding a way to get rid of them, I found a way to include them. I updated the listing, put photos of the swans, [audience laughter] fun facts about the swans, like how they mate for life. ​“Come visit Swan Lake.” [audience laughter] After that, a lot of people were scared off by those changes, but I attracted all these nature lovers who know how to keep their distance from a swan. So, now, business is good. The swans are happy. So, treat God’s creatures with respect, even if your government tells you not to.