Operation: Make Them Like Me

Martha McBrier — Operation: Make Them Like Me

Everybody likes me. I am so nice, I’m actually scary, and I’ve always been proud of that. And in two thousand and four I took a community development job in a little Scottish village called Tweka. I was advised not to take the job. I was told they don’t like outsiders, they will not like you. And I thought, well, that’s not going to happen. So I start the job and it becomes evident that I’m roundly despised. I tried everything to please them. They wanted to learn first aid.

I set up a 12-week course, none of them attended. A guy had a heart attack in the foyer of the centre, and I got the blame. I set up a breakdancing class for the young people, and the trainer left because the kids defecated on the bonnet of his car. I asked the women in the mother and toddlers group if they would not smoke round the babies. And they sent round a petition demanding I stopped interfering. So it was it was very, very stressful. One morning, one of the committee came in and said, We’re holding a gala in a few weeks.

We do it every year to raise funds. Can you bake? And I can’t say that I can’t bake because this will be another reason they’ve got to hate me. And before I even knew what I had said, I said, Oh, I’m not doing a bake sale, I’m doing a parachute jump. I’ve got a lot of sponsors, so she said, I’ll tell the rest of the committee. They all came in and they said, Would you like to choose the gala queen? The ultimate respect. I had won them over. Small issue. I suffer from severe vertigo. I am terrified of height.

I can’t even look up at a balcony. That’s how badly it affects me. But I can’t back out. And I tell my sister, and she says, Are you crazy? This is so dangerous. Why would you do that? She says, come on, would you rather be disliked or dead? And I said, Well, dead, obviously. She says, Okay, I’ll go and get a headstone tomorrow. Here lies Martha, she was liked. I said, that would be great. So the people on the village all start being nice to me. They bring me lunch. We have banter, they give me a nickname, Jumper. So I cannot back out.

The time comes to do the jump. I do two days of safety training. And the instructor said, your parachute should open. If it does not, punch, and your safety parachute should open. If that does not open, you will plunge to your death in 11 seconds. That seemed like a really long time, man. I saw the plane. It was about the size of a coffee table. And it had no dough. So I vomited for two hours. But I went in and I was crying, sobbing with fear. But at 3,000 feet I jumped from the plane. And my parachute opened. And it was so blissful.

It was wonderful. And I came over on Louis Armstrong. And I said, Oh, Scotland’s really pretty. And I can fly. And just at that, a quite powerful gust of wind blew me. And I couldn’t steer past it. And I thought, yeah, this is when I die. But I landed about 24 miles away in the grounds of a lesser-known Scottish castle. And I was chased for some time by a rather troubled bull, but it was still one of the best experiences of my life. And I raised a thousand pounds. But within 48 hours, they reverted back to hating me again.

So I resigned. And a few years later, I met one of them in town and she said, Oh, it’s so lovely to see you. What a shame you left. We always liked you. Thank you.