Other Medical Conditions

My freshman year of college, I got scurvy. [audience laughter] So, for those of you wondering if I did a semester at sea in the 1860s, [audience laughter] the answer is no. Basically, what happened is there was a diner next to my dorm that sold low-cost chicken fingers that were even lower in vitamin C. [audience laughter] So, I just ate those for three months. 

And eventually, my partner at the time was really concerned, because I was really getting fatigued, I was getting irritable, my gums were bleeding, [audience laughter] which was weird, because I’m the type of person that has a reminder in his phone to floss every day. It shouldn’t have been happening. She was worried that I had an STI. So, she was like, ​“Hey, go to the doctor.” I go to the doctor. They run some tests on me, ask me some questions. And at the end, my doctor’s like, ​“Have you ever had an orange? [audience laughter] Matt, you have scurvy.” [audience laughter] And he wrote me a prescription for orange juice. [audience laughter] But to rule anything else out, he said, ​“Hey, go down the hallway, get your blood drawn by the phlebotomist.” 

I have a needle fear, so it’s like, ​“Okay, I can do this.” I go down the hallway, I get my blood drawn and I faint. When I wake up, my doctor is standing over to me and he’s like, ​“Matt, you fainted. You’re going to be okay. But from now on, you have to tell any medical providers what happened today,” which I took to mean that I had to tell them that I faint and that I had scurvy. [audience laughter] 

For six years, [audience laughter] I told every doctor that I had scurvy [audience laughter] on every medical intake form. [audience laughter] It says, ​“What conditions do you have?” I’m like, ​“Oh, fainting. Yeah, I can check that.” And the other section– I was one of the few people that ever filled out the other section. [audience laughter] I wrote scurvy. [audience laughter] My doctors would be like, ​“Oh, you have fainting? What’s the situation with that? Okay, that’s fine. [audience laughter] So, are you a pirate?” [audience laughter]

I decide I am going to take care of myself. I decide to do a dental procedure that I had been putting off. I go to the dentist’s office, and they lay me down, and they have another needle, and they’re putting this painkiller in my mouth and I faint again. But when I wake up, the dental hygienist is concerned, because my body shook and she thought I had a seizure. So, she called the EMTs. They came, and they got my medical chart [audience laughter] and they’re like ​“Fainting? That’s what this is? Hmm. Are you still not eating fruits and vegetables? [audience laughter] You know, scurvy isn’t a chronic condition.” [audience laughter] I’m like, ​“I didn’t know that.” He’s like, ​“Yeah, you don’t have to disclose that.” And I’m like, ​“I need to talk to my doctor.” [audience laughter] 

I actually did. I had to get a medical clearance to get that dental procedure done. So, I went back to my doctor’s office, and I get in and I talk to my doctor, and he’s like, ​“Yeah, you had a vasovagal response. Not a big deal. You can have the procedure.” And I’m like, ​“Yeah, one other thing. Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have to disclose that I had scurvy?” He’s like, ​“I just thought you were making a joke. It was really funny, man.” [audience laughter] I’m like, ​“I talked to you about how embarrassed I was. That’s why I got on anti-anxiety medication.” He’s like, ​“That’s not why.” [audience laughter] 

He’s like, ​“Hey, just to rule anything out, go get your blood drawn. Go down the hall.” I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have unburdened myself of this anxiety and this embarrassment for all these years or the fact that I had to confront my doctor, but I faint again. [audience laughter] And this time, my doctor’s standing over me and he’s like, ​“Matt, you’re going to be fine.” And I’m like, ​“Yeah, I understand. Thank you very much for all of your help. But I think I need to see another doctor.” And for those of you wondering, worried, it’s going to be okay. I now take a multivitamin. [audience laughter] Thank you.