The Best Intentions

0:00:00

That, everybody, our final story of the night. Let’s hear it for Madeline. Here comes Madeline. So I had boarded the plane to Portland, Oregon, where I was headed for my grandson’s third birthday. And in my hand I had my boarding pass, and on my boarding pass was printed my row and seat, 8B. And when I got to row 8, I saw that the women in seats A and C both had gray hair. And since I am also a woman with gray hair, I found it kind of funny to be completing this little trio of crones on a plane. And when I sat down and I got a better look at my seatmates, I saw that it was even funnier than I thought, because each of us had a very distinct style that reflected a different persona.

0:00:53

So we were kind of like, you know, the Spice Girls, granny edition. The woman in the window seat, seat A, was fit and thin, and she was wearing all Patagonia. Sporty granny. The woman in the aisle seat was wearing this, like, drapey velvet dress and a crystal necklace. Mystic granny. And I was in the middle in one of my cotton vintage dresses that I paid, like, $3 for. Actually, when I put this on today, I thought, is this the dress? But then I remembered I think I paid $8 for this one, so no. Thrift store granny. So, you know, all put together in a row like this, we look like a real-time 3D BuzzFeed quiz.

0:01:42

Which modern, funky granny are you? And I was kind of proud of that, and I was feeling very pleased with myself about the way we were redefining the post-menopausal woman, right? Like, look at this world. You don’t have to devolve into the stereotypical, cranky, judgmental, busybody who’s in love with Barry Manilow. You know, you can still be yourself. Not that there’s anything wrong with Barry Manilow. Anyway, then this gorgeous couple comes on the plane and stops at the row in front of us, row 7. And I don’t know their names because they only called each other babe the rest of the time. But for the sake of this story, we will call them Brittany and Dan. And Brittany took a look at her boarding pass, and she saw that they were assigned seats B and C, and she turned to Dan, and she went ballistic.

0:02:37

She was like, the middle seat? Are you kidding me? The middle seat? How many times did I tell you I needed the window seat? That was the only thing you had to do. The only thing. Oh my God. You screw up even the simplest thing. At which point, the man in 7A had turned his back to them, closed his eyes, and was now pretending to fall asleep. Sporty Granny, Mystic Granny and I kind of shot each other a yikes look. And Brittany was going on and on, listing all the ways that Dan was ruining her life with his lameness. And every now and then Dan would say something like, sorry babe, sorry babe.

0:03:25

But it just made it worse. She was like, I don’t want you to be sorry, babe. I just want you to not be lame, babe. Can you understand that? Can you just try to not be so lame? Can you even try? Oh my God. So she went on and on and on, all through the boarding process, all through takeoff. And it was getting worse. It was getting uglier and meaner. And at one point I realized that Mystic Granny and Sporty Granny and I were all holding hands. We were bracing ourselves against this ugliness and this horror. But I also realized that we knew this story. We had seen this before, right?

0:04:14

The beautiful, abusive woman and the broken man under her spell, who can never do anything right, is responsible for everything and can fix nothing. And when we got to altitude and Brittany was still at it, Mystic Granny broke. And she reached up and she tapped Brittany on the shoulder and she said, excuse me, you are not the only person in the world. There are other people on this plane and your childish, selfish tantrum is upsetting all of us. It’s time for you to stop. And Brittany turned and looked at her and she burst into tears. And she got up and she went off to the bathroom and she stumbled down the aisle, sobbing all the way. But now, Sporty Granny had something to say.

0:05:04

So she tapped Dan on the shoulder and she said, I don’t care what you think of me, but I’m going to tell you the truth. So she tapped Dan on the shoulder and she said, I don’t care how pretty she is, it is not worth that abuse. And you know what? You deserve more. And realizing that we had just morphed from the Granny Spice Girls into the Granny Greek Chorus, I thought, well, now it’s my turn to add something. So I said, yeah. I said, that’s not love. That’s not love. And Dan was looking at us between the, you know, the space between seats. And his eyes, his big round eyes were filled with tears. And he said, mind your own fucking business.

0:05:53

So just then, Brittany comes back from the bathroom and she’s still crying. And she falls into her seat and she leans against Dan and she’s whimpering, Oh my God, she was so mean to me. She was so mean to me. And Dan’s like, I know, babe. I’m sorry, babe. Meanwhile, back in row eight, we grannies weren’t feeling quite so spicy anymore. We just kind of slowly retreated into our own little personal spaces. And Cranky Granny in the window seat closed her eyes and went to sleep. Judgmental Granny in the aisle seat pulled out a book and started to read. And me in the middle, Busybody Granny, I put in my earbuds, turned on my music and listened to my love songs playlist all the way to Portland.

0:06:46

It’s my favorite playlist and I know what you’re thinking. And no, there is no Barry Manilow on it. Not one song