The Early Days of Stammer

Hello. So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been in love with one thing. Speaking. Since I said my very first word, I just didn’t want to stop. So, it was a mild inconvenience when at the age of four– when at the age of four I– at the age of four, I developed a stammer. And that isn’t a joke, because back then I barely knew I stammered. Sometimes I would just– I would just repeat the first sound– the first sound– the first sound of– the first sound of a word., okay? It was totally– totally, totally innocuous, okay? So, then when my speech therapist said to– said to– said to my ma’am that I would never lose– that I would never lose my stammer. That was no big deal, okay? And then, shortly after, that became a very big deal.

So, I just finished my first year of secondary school where I was a very happy kid. I was very confident and very good in school. And so, it was the first day of summer holidays. And I was– I was at home on my own, okay? And the phone rang. So, I picked up the phone and I tried to say hello. And nothing came out. And then, they said, ​“Hello.” And I tried to respond and nothing came out. I kept trying and forcing and forcing until eventually I ran out of breath and they hung up. And five minutes after they phoned back and I was too scared– and I was too scared– and I was too scared– I was too scared to answer it, because suddenly, this innocuous stammer had become totally– had become totally– become totally debilitating.

So, that September, I went back– I went back into school, and things had changed completely. I was never happy. I seemed as if I was really unintelligent, because I’d lie the whole time. Say that the teacher asked me something, I’d say, ​“I don’t know,” because– because I just couldn’t say it, or say if the teacher asked me for my homework, I would say, ​“No, I don’t have it done.” Because the fear of that was way less than the fear of speaking.

So, in my head I thought, no, this is fine. I’m getting by. Nobody knows I stammer. And clearly, everyone did know. But I thought, it’s fine, because nobody knows and I’m getting by. And then, one day I stopped getting by. It was in English class. We were reading a book. I think it was Carrie’s War. There was a character which was called Hepzibah, which I maintain to this very day is the stupidest name in the world. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

Like, there’s too many sounds in one word. It was just stupid. [audience chuckles] So, on that particular day, okay, I think he started from the top– from the top of the list. So, I knew I was going to have to– so I knew I was going to have to read, okay? So, I looked down and found my paragraph and there she was in the second sentence. Hepzibah. [audience laughter] So, as all the people before me read, I got filled with such a sense of fear and dread and a sense that in no circumstances would I be able to say this word. And then, it was John Farrelly, the person before me. I was shaking, and I was already quite short of breath, and then it was me.

And so, I mumbled and bumbled through the first sentence. It seemed like an age for like seven words. And then, finally, there she was. And I tried to say it and I said, ​“Hep”, but I couldn’t get past that first sound. And I tried again, I went, ​“Hep, Hep, Hep.” I kept trying and trying as I got shorter and shorter of breath, until eventually there was no sound coming out of my mouth whatsoever until eventually, I put my head in my hands and I started to cry. I could hear all of the chairs turning. I could feel all of the eyes on me, until eventually the guy sitting beside me said, ​“Sir, he just can’t say it.” And then, the next person read and then the bell rang and people just streamed out. I had reached my lowest point, because what was the point of being alive when I couldn’t do the thing I love, when I couldn’t speak. 

So, I think it was around then– around then — I think it was around then that my mum, she was taking me all around the country looking for a cure. She took me to reflexologists, she took me to some hypnotherapists. I think that I got the Catholic cure for a stammer. [audience laughter] Surprisingly ineffective. [audience laughter] [audience applauses] 

Who would have thought it? So, then one day, she said, ​“Aidan, there’s this thing I found, and it’s called the McGuire Program.” And straight away, I was like, ​“No, I don’t want to do it. All of this is bullshit.” But she was like, ​“No, Aidan, you have to.” She brought me up, okay, and she made me do it. The first thing they said was, ​“This is not a cure.” And so, over the course of a weekend, they entirely broke down the way I spoke, and they built it back up from the ground. 

So, afterwards– so clearly afterwards, that wasn’t a cure. But I had a way of being– of being in control of– I had a way of being in control– in control of my speech for the first time in ages. So, the next Tuesday, I had English, and I went in. And that day, same book. He started from the top of the list. I’m like, ​“Yes, I get to read.” So, I looked down and I found my paragraph, and it was a big, juicy paragraph. And there she was. [audience chuckles] First word, first sentence, Hepzipah.

And all of the people, they read before me. I got filled with nerves, but also excitement, because I knew that I could do it. I knew that I could say it. John Farley was reading, and he had a huge paragraph. But I steeled myself, and I told myself that this was it. I was going to prove everyone wrong, I was going to prove all the people who saw me cry wrong, I was going to prove my speech therapist wrong. And eventually, it was me. So, I paused for a moment. I took my time. I took a really deep breath, and then I went to say that word as fluently and as beautifully as I could. As I went to say it, the bell rang, [audience laughter] and everyone just stood up and walked out [audience laughter] as if nothing had happened. 

And so, that is not the point of this story, okay? [audience chuckles] The point is I love speaking, and I loved it so much as a child. But that love that brought me the greatest pain I will ever experience in my life. I’m so glad I have it, because now I can appreciate my love of speaking so much more. And that’s it.