Paola is worried about her family’s reaction when they find out she is gay.
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“I walked out of the door that morning and I felt like I could breathe.”
Transcript
So, I think after living with her all my life, I got used to my mom’s crazy neurotic cleaning around the house. But the one place I can’t really stand it is in my room. I remember one day, my sophomore year, I came home and everything was a mess. Everything was everywhere. We had been doing construction, and she didn’t tell me about it. So, I got home. She was like, “Good, you’re home.” She’s like, “All right, so you can help me clean now.” She’s like, “Let’s start with your room, because it’s a disaster.” So, all right. I was like, “Okay.”
I go downstairs, and my bed is misplaced, and my closet’s torn apart, and everything is everywhere and I didn’t even make the mess. I see in a corner of my room, there’s a bunch of scraps of paper just tumbled there. I see that they had been tampered with. Somebody was digging through my things. And then, I see this paper out of its envelope and I start reading through it. I start feeling really small. My hands start shaking and I realize it was a letter. It was a letter I had gotten from my girlfriend for my birthday.
I suppose I should mention my mom didn’t know I had a girlfriend. [audience laughter] So, I had the letter in my hand and I was shaking. I was really nervous and I’m thinking, did she read the letter? And so, I’m in my room and I don’t know what to think. There are like a million things going through my head and I was like, “Wow.” I don’t know if she read it. I was like, “She might disown me.” And then, I hear her and she’s like, “Paolo, dinner is ready.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, she wants me to go upstairs. She wants to talk about it over dinner.” I was like, “I’m going to throw up.” [audience laughter] We’re not going to be able to talk about anything. I was like, “All right. Well, I don’t know how I’m going to go about this.”
And so, I think I wait long enough and I go upstairs. I don’t go in the room yet. I peek through the stairs [audience laughter] to see what they’re doing. They’re all sitting there watching TV. I look at them for a few seconds, I was like, “All right.” I was like, “Everybody looks pretty normal. Looks pretty oblivious.”
So, I walked to the kitchen, and I look at the food and I feel repulsed. So, I don’t really eat. I sit down. My mom looks at me, and she’s like, “You’re not hungry?” And I was like, “No, I’m not that hungry.” She just looks at me. And so, I fidget a little. She just kept looking at me. And I was like, “Oh, God, it looks like she’s going to say something?” [audience laughter] I was like, “I don’t know what to say.” So, finally, I look at her, and I was like, “Mom. I think you found something of mine.” And she was like, “What do you mean?” And I was like, “I think you found something in my room. It was something personal that you weren’t supposed to know about?”
Her eyes get really big. and she was like, “Oh, my God– She was like, “You’re pregnant? [audience laughter] And I was like, “Well, if you think that’s the worst of it, I promise this won’t be that bad.” This is what I’m thinking. Before I said anything, I realized she didn’t read it. She doesn’t even know. But then, she was like, “Well, what are you talking about then?” And I was like, “Well, I’m going to have to tell you now.” [audience laughter] And so, I go. I was like, “Well, I thought you had read a letter that I got from my girlfriend.” She just looks at me, and it was this awkward looking at each other for five seconds, because she didn’t know what to say, and I had just said something, and I was waiting for her to say something, but nothing really happened.
So, my stepdad’s sitting on the couch, and he looks at me and he goes, he’s like, “Well, it’s about time.” [audience laughter] I look at him and I go, “What are you talking about?” And he was like, “You know what? I knew.” He’s like, “I had my suspicions. Your mom didn’t see my point, but I mentioned it before.” I’m sitting there, and I was like, “Well, they already knew.” I didn’t even have to go through all this trouble.
And so, I go to bed that night. I wake up the next morning, and I start getting ready for school and everything. We have this routine where I say goodbye. And she asked me, she’s like, “What are you doing after school?” It just felt so good to be able to say, I’m going to go hang out with my girlfriend. I didn’t have to lie to her. I could say that with confidence, and she was okay with it. I walked out of that door that morning and I felt like I could breathe. Thank you.